Bad Sex 101

Excuse me?

I recall one fellow who seemed so darn sexy I couldn't wait to be with him, fast forward to the magic moment  and suddenly my prince became a frog. foreplay was I guess taking the wrapper off my cheeseburger.

The act went a little something like this.......

Naked in bed after smoking a joint[yea yea I was like 22] he suddenly jumps on top of me does the cheek kiss, ear lobe blow, nipple lick right,  nipple lick left,  spit on hand [you figure out why] and whose yer daddy. Without missing a beat he than begins pouring out the sex talk come on,  come on, you know you want it, come on come on tell me you want it or I'll pull it out! 

I am all for sex talk sometimes, but it indeed must be earned. So there I was looking up at him with that look dogs give when they are wondering what the hell and he is banging away n talking, but obviously not clued into the fact it aint happening, at least not for me. [must have been the weed]

So now I feel perturbed. I know I am not the only one who realized during  the act, either at the beginning or somewhere between it and the end that it was not going to be a "happy ending" for me.  

I am now thinking about the laundry and what was on superchannel wondering if my vibrator batteries were still good etc. his voice droned on and that's when it occured to me that I might expedite matters if I joined in the verbiage. Oh yess, yess, I want it, yes, yes, give it to me lover, bang that p**y. sighhh really? Geez... he made it to the finish line. 

Now came the awkward part of getting him out of my bed and out the door, cuz we all know letting them stay implies a round two perhaps before breakfast and I wasn't having it.  During these times it is always good to have a friend who lives close by.

So I excused myself and headed to the bathroom, darted across the hall in bathrobe, into pals place [open door policy], where I then told her the sorry tale and hatched a plan. Darted back into apartment flushed toilet ran the water etc. calmly walk back into the bedroom. where he is laying looking to darn comfortable smoking a cigarette. 

Counting down in my head I wait for the loud knock on the door and in rushes my gal pal, with a sorry to interrupt but did you forget we gotta be somewhere in an hour, oops hi there sorry but we gotta go. Oh no I completely forgot so n so's party damn I would ask you to come but it's friends only.

Twenty minutes later we watched him drive away. 

Now I wish I could say this was the only bad sexual adventure I ever had, but it isn't and in fact it isn't even the worst one. The worst one can be summed up by the fact that in the middle of the bad sex to add insult to injury, a cockroach ran across my face [his place]. Altogether now EWWWWW!!!